Progress – Can’t Stop Won’t Stop

I want to write about negative vs. positive body image and emotional eating, because it was incredibly relevant to me today.

I have been busting my ass at the gym consistently (something I can’t always say is the case) since the first of October. I have pushed my hardest every day that we have gone (which has been every day that there has been a class), even pushing through pain and a bit of injury (not something I would recommend), and taking on a 5k after doing a challenging strength class last Thursday.

In the meantime, I have also cooked dinner (or had home cooked leftovers) every night, and have only eaten out 3 times (using 3 of our 4 allotted Take Out Tokens).  I have done the same for my breakfasts, and my lunches, and I have lost 1.9% body fat since 10/2 as a result of all of that effort.

So why do I feel so down on myself?

Today I received an email from Esprit de She to alert me that the free photos from our run were now available to view. I was excited. Even through my shin and calf pain that night I ran my best 5k EVER. I was so psyched when I saw our final time. I was not so psyched when I saw the incredibly unflattering photos from the event. In fact, I was downright disappointed in myself and immediately depressed.

I thought to myself, this is not the girl I see in the mirror every day.

In all my fitness glory, pushing myself hard to be successful in my fitness journey (and on my 5k) I know I am not supposed to look beautiful. But I thought I would at least look fitter, which is the way I feel, even when I see my tank tops hugging a little closely to my love handles. Instead, the girl I saw on the screen was overweight, bulging in all the wrong places, and looked like she was struggling.

Does the camera really add 10 pounds? I certainly hope so.

My day from there was a downward spiral into my dissatisfaction with myself. It doesn’t take much to throw me for a loop. Every word spoken to me felt harsher. Every little mistake I made felt bigger than it really was. And as much as I wanted to never put another piece of food in my mouth again, all I wanted to do was disappear into food. Even though I had planned on ordering a sandwich for lunch (since I hadn’t prepared anything in advance today), I still felt like I was stuffing my face. I downed the carb-y sandwich and an entire bag of chips in record time. I felt exhausted afterward. I felt the feeling I get when all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

I don’t enjoy feeling this way, even though I have days like this sometimes. Feeling down on yourself when you are working this hard is a disgusting demotivator. But instead of letting myself feel like that all day, and going home with my aching shins and calves and my disappointment, I reminded myself that I am doing a challenge; three challenges in fact – the eight week challenge for fat loss, the 1-month challenge for MyZone MEPs, and my own 30 Day Home Cooked Challenge.

So I played some suck-it-up buttercup. I rolled out my aching calves with The Stick I’ve been bringing to work this week. I mixed up some Emerge to give me the energy I’ve been lacking. I deleted the email from Esprit and didn’t bookmark the page. I put myself in the frame of mind to push hard during K-Box to try and play catch-up for the MEPs I lost yesterday due to injury. I made a healthy dinner (Creamy Rosemary Chicken, no carbs).

It’s really hard work to change your frame of mind, but you’re the only person who can do it. When you start to fall down that rabbit hole, you need to focus on what is in your control. I can’t make myself look skinnier in those photos, but I can remind myself of what kind of progress I am making. I can control what I do (or don’t do) to continue that progress. I can change my negative body image into a positive one, and stay away from bad food. I can keep on going. Because my goal is still out there, and I won’t reach it any other way.